before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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