woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
