Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
