Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm too high and old for this...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize