I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
