If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
