You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He shit in the fireplace
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
