Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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