So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
