Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
