you would pick up someone in the library
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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