here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
COCAINE IS GR8
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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