Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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