i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
