I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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