she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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