i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
