I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
