Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
