i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
