I think im going to throw up on grandma
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
