grandma shit on top of the toilet
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
