I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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