I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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