Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You may now shotgun with the bride
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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