dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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