yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
God I need to hump something, right now.
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