I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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