Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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