I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize