My girlfriend figured out who you are.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
