then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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