The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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