Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
