Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I looked at my own cervix.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
