Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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