just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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