i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
