I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
