also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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