Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
