Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
