evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
