how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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