oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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