When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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