Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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