So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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