before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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