I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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