You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize