I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Drunk is not a location!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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