I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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