I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Life is so much better after having sex.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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