The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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