you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i think i have herpe
just one?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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