I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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