he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
