Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
