so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
