you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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