she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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