I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
