I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You have to summon your inner elephant
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
